looking at my heart

I have not blogged about personal stuff in a long time. Sometimes the only thing that will listen in the way that I want to be heard is with a pen and a piece of paper.

It is clear to me that I am an introvert. When it comes to personal matters, I like being by myself and working out my own problems. With that comes cut-throat prioritization and intense moral struggle.

The exception to my independence is when I fall in love with another person. The act of falling in love happens rarely, because it takes a long time for me to identify someone with a mix of characteristics and mannerisms that I thoroughly and thoughtfully enjoy.

When I do fall in love, I fall quickly, and I fall hard.

When I find this person, I think that I know what to do. I actively demonstrate care, humility, and respect. I become super attentive and reactive. I do all of these things because it is what I want:

  • It is how I want to be mutually treated by this person.
  • Because it is an outlet for positive emotion, one that I understand, which makes me happy.
  • And because I need to create feedback loops to–in my opinion, help–verify the integrity of our feelings.

Sometimes one or more of these things scares people. It makes them question their own emotional depth, which creates uncomfortable rifts. I then get frustrated because these people do not seem to be patient with themselves or with me–or is it truly irreversible?

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